I recently asked my female Facebook and Twitter followers what ‘they’ wanted to know about men. I had many of you lovely ladies send me your questions. My next action was to find someone who would be totally honest and answer these questions which YOU wanted answering.
Kamey runs since Since Being Single and is going to do exactly the above.
I’ll be completely honest with you, when I first put your questions to Kamey I wasn’t entirely sure how the following post was going to go down with my readers. Yes I talk about many subjects related to the matters of the heart (amongst other areas) but this guy is brutally honest. Would it piss off my lovely readers or would they say.. hey.. this guy actually has a point! Well… I’ll let you decide. So here is part 1 of the article.. Completely in his own words..
The secrets all women want to know – Collaboration with Kamey of SBS – Part 1
I absolutely adore women. In fact, I fall in love with all of them.
And I’m here to show you how to achieve the same success with men. Once you understand men, you can literally have any man in the room.
These are the secrets that all women want to know.
A real understanding is key in order to change belief systems, mindsets and ultimately take action to form a rock-solid long-lasting relationship with the man of your dreams.
In dating, in love, in life to get what you want, you have to deserve what you want…
Q: Why do men’s eyes wander?
“For a man to walk into a bar and have his choice of any woman he wants, he would have to be the ruler of the world. For a woman to have the same power over men, she’d have to do her hair.” – Bill Maher
To understand why men ‘check out’ other women, you and I must first understand attraction.
Everyone knows that men and women are different; they want different things, they are good at different things, and they behave in different ways.
Although, when it comes to attraction, believe it or not, men and women are not that different; we both follow good emotions.
Attraction hasn’t changed since caveman times
Your primary purpose in life is to survive, your secondary purpose is to replicate.
While a woman is limited to about 25 pregnancies in life, it is possible for some men to have dozens, hundreds, even thousands of children in their lifetime.
(I think you can see where I’m going with this).
In other words, if men can spread their seed to thousands of women, men therefore have a far greater choice of potential mate compared to women; men will always be on the lookout for women to pass their genes onto.
Simply put, replication is to ensure men’s continued survival.
What then, attracts men’s eyes?
The root of attraction is value
Anything that causes good emotions will add value. And anything that adds values causes attraction. Therefore, the root of attraction is value.
Hands down, men are visual.
Men go for physical attractiveness over anything else: youth, long hair, small waist, large breasts, big eyes and high cheekbones. There is evolutionary logic behind each one.
(And it’s why women respond by wanting to look like this).
“Men are interested in selecting healthy women to be the mother of their children. Women who look healthier have higher reproductive success on average. One accurate indicator of health is physical attractiveness” – Gangestad and Simpson.
To the point, high value to men is healthy women.
So it doesn’t matter how beautiful a woman you may be, if you’re on a date, out with your boyfriend or husband and a healthy ‘attractive’ woman walks by, be sure that he will check her out.
Wondering eyes can also lead to cheating…
Q: Why do men cheat?
Men cheat. Women cheat. Fact.
I put this question out to over 100 men I know (WhatsApp groups are great!): “Why do men cheat?”
Here were the most common reasons (in order):
- Their female partner’s nagging (clinginess basically)
- He fell out of love with you (it is what it is – accept it and move on!)
- There was no chase or a challenge (I’ll be talking about this in Part 2)
- I have too many options (an abundance of choice)
- Sex with their partner isn’t exciting enough (physical needs not being met)
- If another girl has bigger breasts (men are visual!)
Okay, so nothing new there! But it becomes interesting when a pattern emerges. I’m calling it…
“The handsome man” pattern
99% of the men who cheated are handsome.
This research suggests that handsome men are more likely to cheat then unattractive men.
If this is true, how are handsome men different from unattractive men?
Two leading evolutionary psychologists, Gangestad and Simpson suggest men pursue two different strategies: “Dads” and “Cads.”
- ‘Dads’ are willing to invest in a woman and her offspring in the long run.
- ‘Cads’ are those who are looking for thrills and likely to desert a woman after having sex.
All men want to pursue the cad strategy, period. However their choice of mating strategy is constrained by female choice.
(Men do not get to decide with whom they have sex; women do). And women disproportionately seek out handsome men for their short-term mates.
Ugly men have no choice. Since women do not choose them as short-term mates, their only option for achieving any reproductive success is to find one long-term mate and invest heavily in their children – the dad strategy.
More important, handsome men invest less in their exclusive relationships than ugly men. They are less honest and less attentive to their partners.
Side note: Women do not seek sexual variety because their reproductive success does not increase by having sex with large number of partners. In fact, given the limited number of children they can have in their lifetimes (25 pregnancies), the potential cost of having sex with the wrong partner is far greater for women than it is for men.
Am I then suggesting that women should date unattractive men because they are less likely to cheat? Not necessarily.
How might a woman discriminate between ‘dads’ and ‘cads’ then?
I would say investment.
Investment: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend
A good dad must possess two qualities:
- The ability to acquire and accumulate
- And the willingness to invest in her and her children.
A good way to screen for men who are simultaneously able and willing to invest is to demand an expensive gift.
Would any expensive gifts do? A designer handbag? A Mercedes-Benz? A house in the suburbs?
No, these gifts will not do.
For the purpose of screening dads from cads, the gift must not only be costly, but also lack intrinsic value.
Diamonds make excellent courtship gifts because they are simultaneously very expensive and lack intrinsic value.
No man (or woman) can be inherently interested in diamonds; you cannot use them, you cannot drive them, you cannot live in them, you cannot do anything with them.
Side note: Men must also screen their mates. Extravagant gifts have the added benefit for men of deterring “gold diggers”.
The key is to communicate.
Q: Why do men not communicate or share their feelings?
Now you’re talking my language!
In the history of mankind, there has never been a time when there has been this amount of people alive simultaneously.
So, in a world of seven billion people (men being the majority), what becomes the greatest skill you can possess?
I would argue that it is the ability to communicate. To be social.
I see it all the time: a lack of communication in relationships: couples out for dinner with not a word to say to each other!
It’s one of the main reasons why initial dating never flourishes into deep meaningful relationships.
It’s not that men don’t communicate or share their feelings; you must be able to understand different types of men, read them, adapt and work together with them to get them on your side.
Speak his language
What I am about to share with you is not only a secret, it is a super power!
“It is not the strongest or the smartest that survive, it is the most adaptable” – Charles Darwin
People are different but not as different as you think. You must possess the skill to understand, relate and get the best out of your man.
Let’s break down the types:
Practical men are slower. They’re planners (“Let’s meet in two weeks, Friday at 7pm”). They’re men who like numbers and money. The downside is that they’re not super changeable. They have a plan and stick to it.
Action men like to do things. (“Come on let’s make things happen, let’s go!”). Action people are like fire. They’re aggressive. Action men are some of the sharpest witted people out there, you can tell they’re not dumb and they know exactly what they’re doing. The downside is that they’re not patient enough.
Social men go with the flow. They have this light hippie vibe about them. Social men just like being around people, not because they want or need anything from them, they like people just for people. Social men are often a little flaky and don’t stand up for themselves.
Emotional men often hold things in. They’re a little sensitive. Emotional men are easily offended and driven by fear. They lack thick skin. On the upside, emotional men are often the most intuitive and naturally good at reading people.
Before you type the men you’re dating, you should always start with yourself first.
What type are you dominant in?
Practical, action, social or emotional?
For me, I’m dominant Action. Followed by Practical, Emotional and lastly Social.
Now that you know the different types, the next time you’re on a date, the second you can get a handle on this, you know how to speak to him…
If he’s Practical, you know to be slow and steady, don’t be too pushy.
If he’s Action, you know it’s time to close the deal right away – Don’t play hard to get, instead say yes or ask him out!
If he’s Social, you know to befriend him, keep the conversation light, go with the flow and be spontaneous.
If he’s Emotional, connect with him, be vulnerable, open up, be sensitive – he too will open up!
Don’t take this the wrong way: I’m not saying to sit there analysing men. No. What I am saying is that it’s okay to type people and make snap assessments.
There is nothing manipulative about this.
Everyone has a bit of Practical, a bit of Action, a bit of Social and Emotional in him or her. You and I need to use them correctly with the right people.
Communication is key. You must speak his language.
In Part 2, we’ll be talking about:
– Why men love the thrill of the chase?
– Why men make women their last priority?
– Why men retreat to their caves?
Priya Mulji xxx