The dating game is a complex one and more often than not, isn’t particularly fun either. Let’s not sugar coat the situation; it’s traumatic after a certain age to be single. If you find yourself in your thirties, single, and struggling to find a suitable suitor, then it’s safe to say that all bets are off and there’s no hope for you. You’ll have to settle for someone your friends, or worse, your mother finds for you, and the thought of those prospects can easily age you another decade.
To counter these depressing facts, I present to you, exclusively, Karan Johar’s tips to successfully escaping the single life, or at least enjoying yourself while you’re succumbing to it.
1. Location – the most important guide to finding the love of your life begins with being at the right place at the right time. Rule number 1: don’t go to the so-called “happening places” on weekends. Only pappus, show-offs, and losers party at the ‘hot spots’ on the weekends. If you’re trying to find the love of your life (or the lust of your life, whatever tickles your fancy) it’s not going to happen at a discotheque or chichi bar, and it’s certainly not going to happen on a Saturday night when the riff raff come out to play. Why, you might ask? Go anywhere “trendy” on a weekend, and this is the situation you’ll encounter; women too busy trying to impress other women, and men too consumed with trying to out buy each other at the bar. Instead, venture out on a weekday to a more non-descript, casual joint. Find a place where people can talk. You’re more likely to find people with brains there anyway.
2. Fellow singles – think hanging out with your single friends is the right way to meet eligible men or women? Wrong! Your single friends don’t really want you to find someone. Misery loves company and no one wants to rock that boat. Single people seek solace in fellow singles, and they never, ever want you to find someone before they do. They may in fact wake up every morning putting that energy out there; that whatever happens, they have to find happiness first. Fair enough, you can’t really fault them, waking up alone is a real drone, but I can assure you, they’re in no hurry to play cupid in your life. Instead, try making new friends. Mingle. The more new people you meet, the more new people they will introduce you to. Also, it’s a lot easier to come across as having an impressive personality to people who don’t know you all that well. At least this way, you can con them into finding you someone exciting. Make this the year where you make new friends. It’s always a great goal to have anyway
3. Mundane marriages – straying clear of single friends doesn’t mean you flock to the married ones. Married friends are too consumed with their own problems to ever really care about your love life. This is a fact. Married couples care about themselves, their marriage, their kids, and their next family holiday. They may seem well intentioned, wanting to set you up with ‘this friend of ours who’s a total catch’ but what they really want is for you to be able to hang out with them without feeling like the third wheel. Married couples just want to create more couples to hang out with them, so that the men and women can amass more allies. Eventually, married couples will fight, and if you’re foolish enough to be both their friends, you will get dragged into the middle of their sordid issues. They will get you to mediate, push you against the wall where you’re forced to take a side, then they’ll patch up and throw you in the dog house for judging them.
4. Gym – there are many advantages to joining (and actually going to) the gym that deserve their own set of sub points.
i) Obviously, you will become more attractive the more you work on your body. You will feel better, look better, and hopefully you’ll shower that extra time a day and will end up smelling better. Let’s not be naïve – aesthetically, it matters how you look, so get to the gym and break a sweat. It really is the hottest, sexiest thing you can do for yourself outside of your bedroom
ii) Since you’ve already ventured outside of your bedroom, you’re more likely to find someone at the gym who’s looking for the same thing as you. There’s a reason people gain weight after getting married; appearances don’t matter as much anymore. But single people, we’re a fickle breed, and thankfully so. Chances are, the person pulling weights next to you, or pounding that treadmill hard is experiencing the same frustrations you are. Put it to the test and strike up a conversation and let all those endorphins do the rest of the work for you.
If all else fails at the gym, at least all that pulling and stretching will make up for a lack of anything else you would’ve done in your day.
5. The blind sight – no good ever came out of a blind date. No matter how lonely your life gets, do not fall for the blind date syndrome. This is self explanatory, yet I feel the need to elaborate; anyone interested in meeting you on a blind date is desperate and desperation unfortunately doesn’t have a good looking face. The same applies for dating websites, where the freaks, geeks, and perverts of the web world unite.
6. Travel – Travel, and leave the country as often as possible. This way your exploits wont come back to haunt you and you’ll be exposed to a more open, flirtatious world, where people are less judgmental because they wont know enough about you to judge you.
7. Parental Pressure – parents are beautiful people. They nurture us, teach us the right values and traditions, but love advice from them, maybe not! Learn to accommodate and manage your parents’ expectations of whom you should be with. They may think they know what’s best for you, but they really don’t. Also, you’re the one who has to live with your life partner, so make sure you remind your parents of that the next time they suggest you meet some long lost friends daughter for coffee.
8. Therapy – in our increasingly unhealthy world, therapy is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. Indians, let it be known; there’s nothing wrong with therapy and having a therapist doesn’t mean that your cheese has slipped off your cracker. Therapy provides a perspective into your life that you’re unable to understand on your own. If you’re single, despite trying everything in the book not to be, go try to figure out why that is. We’ve all got issues, buried deep in our subconscious mind that need to be addressed. If you’re lonely, or relationship phobic, don’t just accept it and reconcile yourself to it, work on it. And while you’re at it, try looking for a good-looking therapist. It could make for a great story in the future.
Why am I giving you dating advice if I’m still single, is a very valid question you might be asking yourself as you read my tips and start to question my integrity. My best answer is that these are things that I am planning to incorporate into my life, and hopefully I’ll have a different tune to sing on the relationship front. If any of these points help you, just send me a prayer, that’s all I need, because I refuse to stay single any longer and you shouldn’t have to either.
Here here Karan! I’d better hit the gym more often!