Hope

It’s been quite a year, hasn’t it? Covid is still making its way across the universe in full force and deaths and hospitalisations don’t seem to be going down. Last week when I was in London, half the people on the tube weren’t wearing masks. I mean, it’s the same in Nottingham where I currently (still) am, go to Sainsburys and most people are mask-less. When will people realise that the spread can only be stopped if we are more careful?

I’m posting this ironically on the Hindu new year, so Sal Mubarak to everyone celebrating today and hope you all had a good Diwali yesterday.

I’ve been wondering if I should post something like this blog for a while, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to sit down and write it. Why, I ask myself? Well, the last post (38 and past my sell-by date) pretty much went viral, and I wasn’t ready for that level of blog popularity. But it was my choice to post that, and people have been asking for a follow-up. They ask, are you okay? Do you hear from your ex? Has anything happened since? So, this is my chance to answer all your burning questions.

Well, as you know from my past blogs, the love of my life and I parted ways at the end of 2020. In Lockdown. But I’m not going to go into all of that. I realised I probably made a mistake in revealing so much of what happened, for which I am sorry. But things happen and as a result of that blog, so many women reached out to me, saying that they felt the same and that they finally felt understood and not alone. If there is one thing that I have wanted to do in my writing, it is to help women to realise they’re not alone navigating the world of love. It’s weird isn’t it, someone messaged me from an entirely different country and told me that they were going through the exact same thing at the same time. Even women in other non-breakup situations who could relate to the blog post reached out. For that I am truly grateful. Words really do travel and help us to realise we’re not alone. I’ll never stop sharing my thoughts and experiences if it helps just one person out there.

It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions in the last year. I’ve had sleepless nights (well, what’s new for Priya the insomniac), weight gain, wine-fuelled drunk texts, counselling, a trip to Paris, tear-filled calls with friends, tears at the gym, tears at work… a lot of tears. A counsellor explained to me (and I mentioned this in my last blog) that a breakup is like grief, and it really has been. That person has gone and there is nothing I can do about it. People who have actually experienced the physical loss of a person may agree or disagree with this and I am not here to take away the feelings that death brings, but, if a counsellor told me this, I can’t disagree with a mental health professional. Truth is that single women bordering 40 and beyond are suffering. Suffering the effects of one failed relationship after another. Questioning their worth, asking why they’re on this planet and if things will ever get better. We (or at least I), am content being alone and if I’m more excited being with my dog on a Saturday night than going on a date, then that says it all.

But one year on and I’m okay, or at least getting there. I have even started to think about dating again. Then there are times when I stop in the middle of the day and burst into tears, wanting to be held by the love of my life, because for me, love doesn’t just stop. I still have good days and not-so-good days. It’s okay to have those days, they will happen. Just embrace them, take the moment and move on. Also, a new Adele album is coming and there are gonna be sooo many tears, aren’t there?

There will always be a part of you, as cliché as it sounds, that belongs to them. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want the ex back and I genuinely hope wherever he is and whatever he is doing, he is happy. But there will always be that soft spot for him in my heart. And that’s okay. I still want to see his name pop up on my phone, to just say hi, but I know that time has long passed.

Next year, I will be entering into a new decade of my life, the big 4-0 and I have exciting things planned. But what I really want is for this feeling of, I don’t know, hopelessness to subside. Yeah, I’ll have conversations with men on dating sites, and they could be the most perfect person, but until I have  that hope in my heart again, I can’t move on. But I am trying and that is the main thing.

“None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.” ― Paulo Coelho

Sal Mubarak, happy Diwali and enjoy the festive season.

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