Emotions are running high

Today has been hard. Mentally, emotionally, physically. How has it been for you?

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What I have really found hard today is working from home. I like being in the office, it’s where I’m most productive. I like office chatter, the walk to work and having a wander around the shops at lunchtime. But today it’s been a real struggle.

A few days ago, I received an email from a writer that I really admire, Nikesh Shukla. He sends out a weekly writing newsletter to help aspiring writers like myself to help them write their novel. The newsletter covers so many areas. Two things I really found useful this week were:

  1. It’s okay not to write your novel right now
  2. If you feel the need to write, write something for yourself

Number 2 is exactly what I have been doing at the moment. I am working on a novel and have been for a long time. But right now, whenever I open that word doc, my brain is giving me no words to add to that elusive first draft. What I have been doing though is expressing my emotions via these last few blog posts. I will continue to do so.

Today I want to discuss general emotions and anxiety.

I mean, I’m scared. Someone I know is in an induced coma due to coronavirus and this scares me. My best friend works in a hospital is afraid she will catch it and die or catch it and pass it on to someone. It could happen and is happening across the world. I’m kinda getting used to being at home and have developed a routine. I get up, take the dog for a walk, work, make myself a crap lunch, work again and chill. Sometimes I throw in a home yoga/workout sesh after my walk. I’ve watched A LOT of Sex and the City. @ me all you want, but that’s the greatest women’s show in history. Basically, i’m just going to put on weight but my hair and skin is going to skin amazing because what else can I do other than put coconut oil in my hair and face masks everyday?

I find it really hard to explain how I’m feeling. There are good and bad days. Many friends, or people on social media feel the same so I know it isn’t limited to me. Mostly I feel frustrated. I’m stuck at home, I miss the gym, I miss Hotpod yoga, I miss The Junction pub which I frequent with friends regularly on a Thursday, I miss my friends, I miss my boyfriend, I even miss Harrow (yep!). I rarely cry but there have been times today when all I want to do is sit in front of my laptop and shed tears. I’ve cried on more than one occasion recently (that is more than in the last few years combined). I know there are far worse things going on in the world and I’m staying home to save lives. But you can’t help how you feel. I can’t even use the excuse that I’m missing my birthday so I’m sad or that I’m disappointed about not going to Paris anymore. because that was last week.

I just feel blue. I don’t want to write anything of any value I just want to vent via these blogs and express myself or at least try to. My heart breaks when I hear the figures of how many people have died daily. I see images of the deserted streets of Madrid and think back to when I was there last year during Pride. The streets were bustling, the noise of the city could be heard for miles and it was super colourful!

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I cry inside for the whole of the world, not just Spain.

Yesterday, on Instagram, I saw a picture of a pizza that my friend from India Bearded Specimen had posted. It was a pizza with Padron Peppers on it and was served at a place called Gazzo Pizza in Berlin. I now really want to go to Berlin just to eat that pizza. I miss going out for dinner the most. I will never take for granted simple things like going to Prezzo or Nandos or many of the Indian establishments I love to visit.

I feel so pathetic and selfish for feeling like this but I can’t help it.

I’m posting this without much editing so if I don’t make much sense, do forgive me.

It’ll get better. We will feel better.

Please for the love of God. STAY AT HOME!!!!

Peace x

 

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